To Know, and To Know (and why they aren't the same)

Once I knew, I knew.  I remember the exact moment that 'it' hit me, and there it was the rest of my life spelled out in my head, shared with him.  Yeah, we lived together for years (yes more than one) before he put a ring on it, the whole time, both of us confident in the fact that we'd picked each other forever, even through my fits of irrational thinking and emotional days of uncertainty.

But when he did put a ring on it, something changed.  A odd sense contentedness fell upon me, in a way that was so unexpected, like when you finish cleaning the entire house top to bottom and sit down and are so please, or maybe not quite like that at all.  It's hard to say.  Somehow that circular metal with a seemingly infinitely sparkly diamond so delicately set atop it made me feel, for lack of a more creative or suiting word, different.

It's not a different I could have described before it happened, mostly because how can one anticipate the feeling you'll get with something that happens once in a lifetime.   And most certainly because every girls says 'it's different', but I somehow just never believed them, until it happened to me.  Because even when we were living together and my left ring finger was left bare every day, I knew it was forever.  But there is something about knowing and knowing, if you know what I mean.

For him, I feel like it was mostly the same, because he was the know-er. And now, I will hit you with a spell of redundancy and tell you I knew too, except it all came full circle (put intended) on that day, when he confirmed my knowing.

There are such simple things that hit me every day that devour my thoughts.   Take the other day while driving when it dawned on me that next house we shop for, will be together (he bought the one we live in before I met him).  When I articulated this thought by sharing it with him in a tone that clearly communicated extreme excitement and discovery, his response was simple, "yeah, we're getting married."

Duh, I know we're getting married, but there are so many small details in life that I haven't even had time to think about.  So many in fact that when my mind finds a new one, it trips over them when they are finally found somewhere up there among all the other zillion thoughts that zoom around in that recently blonde-ified head of mine.

Sure, I've had the 'big' thoughts kids, pets, vacations, careers, retirement, becoming grandparents, the life milestones if you will, but we get to experience everything together, everything. Including epic dinner fails, ridiculous fits of laughter for no reason, unexplainable frustration, house shopping, and a infinite number of things I have yet to think of or consider.

I'm so damn excited sometimes it hurts, sometimes it's confusing, and more often than not it doesn't feel real.  But it felt very really last weekend when we took our engagement pictures, and we got a sneak peak back.

I love knowing, but even more so, I love learning, discovering, imagining, and dreaming of new things that we get to do together.  I hope our lives our filled with anything and everything that will grow us as individuals, make us stronger as a whole, and challenge us in a way that brings the ultimate satisfaction and happiness.